Everyday I miss Cory whether its his hug or laugh I miss it all. Even when I am with people there is this deep loneliness that cant be replaced. He has given me such a wonderful life with him and I wish I could have it all back. Things will never be the same without him even as we try to go on his strength and love carries us thru. Recently I realized how much comfort your spouse gives you which I knew and appreciated but now I felt what it was. My Grandpa Langenbau died, My aunt Betty was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, my step mom was in a rollover auto accient and my first & last child went off to school, I have been to 4 funerals since Cory's and one wedding and another friday. My friends have children who had trouble with health isues and as most of my friends and family have their spouse to cry on their shoulder or to get a comforting embrace I sit alone. Someone said well doesnt Mitchell comfort you? No, mommy's are supposed to comfort their kids. He provides a means to carry on but he can be very challenging at times with his age and all the changes we are going thru. Even after the time that has pasted it still feels like yesterday and forever ago. I still feel like I am lost and not sure which way to go all I can say is where I have been and looking back I can see that I am making progress. I had a set back when all chaos hit and took another leave of absence from work to try to get my head back on straight but it is hard to stay focused. Work can be salt in the wound because I work in Labor & Delivery with families having babies and Cory & I were trying to have another and seeing some of the people that "get" babies doesnt always seem fair. I have to figure out if I can turn my attitude into positive and continue there or if I would be better changing areas for awhile. I also work in cities night shift so to decide if I should continue. I think of what Cory would say and he always supported me no matter what. I rode the 4wheeler at a riding park for the first time which was a stepping stone for me. I was scared at first but then as we rode I realized how much I enjoy riding also. Mitchell loves to ride too but it is so scary to let him. I have been camping alot and that is a nice way to be out of the house and not alone. My friends and family have been more than supportive and I am so thankful for all of you.
I have been trying to pick out a headstone for Cory but it is so hard because how can you put somebadies life story on a stone? Then trying to decide what shape, color, texture he would like. Then when thats done there is nothing left "to do" it is all done, now just mourne. I am scared of winter since that is when Cory & I were able to spend more time together and the holidays I am sure will be hard. I still off and on want to escape everything. What my life has become can be so overwelming and so hard to keep yourself from depression or spiral downward so being with people helps. Sometimes I close my eyes and visualize him sitting next to me and ask him for strength. Alot of time its late when the saddness hits and feels like there is nobody to help at that hour but then I think that its ok to cry as long as I can stop. I can not believe how much fear, worry and guilt and wondering comes with death. No one understand the loss you feel even if they lost their spouse or whatever since everyone is different but people certainly think they would know what they would do. It reminds me of a laboring mom and how some cry with first contraction and the next is all natural without a grimace; both have same outcome of baby its just the route they got there is completely different. I have went to grief sessions but all I wanted was answers and a "how to" guide which nobody can provide. Sometimes I feel jealous of couples and other families but I shouldnt cuz it is not their fault but it still feels not fair. I have a hard time when people are fighting over stupid stuff or not living life to the fullest because that is not how you would want to be remembered. I have so much to say but was unable to get on the blogspot at home for some reason. I am at U of M with my aunt now she is having surgery and I am staying with her. There is a song visably shaken I wanted to get and "When I get where I am going" there are many lyrics that can relate to whats going on. Sometimes I feel judged so I wish I could let someone else feel my feelings even if for a day then they would know and realize that I am just doing and not sure why or how. Cory has provided me with strength throughout the years and I just need to pull from that to continue my life and I am sure Cory would want the best for Mitchell and I because that is what he always gave us. Thankyou Jenny