Today I feel lost, have questions and need advice.....and you aren't here. I feel I need someone to tell me how it is and lighten up the situation but you aren't here to do that. So much has changed since you left.....good and bad. Although, you aren't here I hope you guide me to all the right places that I need to be....

Cory Camping! This picture shows his great sense of humor and how outgoing he was.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of this great man. He had so many great qualities and I can never think of a bad one. Life has definitely been a rollercoaster since his death but I always think about him and what you would say in every situation. This picture is from when I ran for Miss Hutchinson a few years back. I love this picture of him!

Everyday I miss Cory whether its his hug or laugh I miss it all. Even when I am with people there is this deep loneliness that cant be replaced. He has given me such a wonderful life with him and I wish I could have it all back. Things will never be the same without him even as we try to go on his strength and love carries us thru. Recently I realized how much comfort your spouse gives you which I knew and appreciated but now I felt what it was. My Grandpa Langenbau died, My aunt Betty was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, my step mom was in a rollover auto accient and my first & last child went off to school, I have been to 4 funerals since Cory's and one wedding and another friday. My friends have children who had trouble with health isues and as most of my friends and family have their spouse to cry on their shoulder or to get a comforting embrace I sit alone. Someone said well doesnt Mitchell comfort you? No, mommy's are supposed to comfort their kids. He provides a means to carry on but he can be very challenging at times with his age and all the changes we are going thru. Even after the time that has pasted it still feels like yesterday and forever ago. I still feel like I am lost and not sure which way to go all I can say is where I have been and looking back I can see that I am making progress. I had a set back when all chaos hit and took another leave of absence from work to try to get my head back on straight but it is hard to stay focused. Work can be salt in the wound because I work in Labor & Delivery with families having babies and Cory & I were trying to have another and seeing some of the people that "get" babies doesnt always seem fair. I have to figure out if I can turn my attitude into positive and continue there or if I would be better changing areas for awhile. I also work in cities night shift so to decide if I should continue. I think of what Cory would say and he always supported me no matter what. I rode the 4wheeler at a riding park for the first time which was a stepping stone for me. I was scared at first but then as we rode I realized how much I enjoy riding also. Mitchell loves to ride too but it is so scary to let him. I have been camping alot and that is a nice way to be out of the house and not alone. My friends and family have been more than supportive and I am so thankful for all of you.
I have been trying to pick out a headstone for Cory but it is so hard because how can you put somebadies life story on a stone? Then trying to decide what shape, color, texture he would like. Then when thats done there is nothing left "to do" it is all done, now just mourne. I am scared of winter since that is when Cory & I were able to spend more time together and the holidays I am sure will be hard. I still off and on want to escape everything. What my life has become can be so overwelming and so hard to keep yourself from depression or spiral downward so being with people helps. Sometimes I close my eyes and visualize him sitting next to me and ask him for strength. Alot of time its late when the saddness hits and feels like there is nobody to help at that hour but then I think that its ok to cry as long as I can stop. I can not believe how much fear, worry and guilt and wondering comes with death. No one understand the loss you feel even if they lost their spouse or whatever since everyone is different but people certainly think they would know what they would do. It reminds me of a laboring mom and how some cry with first contraction and the next is all natural without a grimace; both have same outcome of baby its just the route they got there is completely different. I have went to grief sessions but all I wanted was answers and a "how to" guide which nobody can provide. Sometimes I feel jealous of couples and other families but I shouldnt cuz it is not their fault but it still feels not fair. I have a hard time when people are fighting over stupid stuff or not living life to the fullest because that is not how you would want to be remembered. I have so much to say but was unable to get on the blogspot at home for some reason. I am at U of M with my aunt now she is having surgery and I am staying with her. There is a song visably shaken I wanted to get and "When I get where I am going" there are many lyrics that can relate to whats going on. Sometimes I feel judged so I wish I could let someone else feel my feelings even if for a day then they would know and realize that I am just doing and not sure why or how. Cory has provided me with strength throughout the years and I just need to pull from that to continue my life and I am sure Cory would want the best for Mitchell and I because that is what he always gave us. Thankyou Jenny

It has been a little over 6 months since Cory had his accident. I can't believe it has already been that long because in so many ways it feels like it just happened yesterday. Ever since the accident I have realized what people mean when they say "you don't realize how much someone means to you until they're gone." My life has changed drastically since Cory has been gone. I don't get those random smart-ass text messages anymore, I don't have someone to bum around with while Jenny is working on the weekends, and I don't have someone to give me advice and a different perspective when I need it. I cannot tell you how many times I wake up hoping all of this is just a nightmare. How lucky was I to have a best friend and a brother-in-law all in one.
A couple weeks ago Mitch and I fired up the old black truck and took it for a tool on the gravel roads. We had ACDC blaring and the windows down. That brought so many great memories back to mind. Later that day Ron stop over and we started talking and he made a comment on how the bench in the front was so beautiful but so sad it was for his son. He broke down and asked me if lifes ever going to get better and if we'll ever be happy people again. What I told him that day is the same answer I have today....I don't know.

Sunday July 13th.

As the days go by there different ways in which I miss Cory. Not a day goes by that I do not miss this guy. I can just hear something on the radio and I think of stories from long ago. Today is one of those days in which it is more difficult to realize that he is gone. Today is the Annual Schwarze picnic. For those of you who do not know, this is a feed bag picnic. Cory had the "honor" of attending this on more that one occassion. He always said " If you walk away from that picnic hungry, you are just not right". He said that he has never seen a picnic with so much good food ever, (at that time). We would go to the picnic and get our guts full and then head out to the Cabin. We are going there today, I am going with a heavy heart as this is the first Schwarze picnic since his passing. We always seemed to get in touch with him on this day and ended up at Lake Stella with him and his family, not going happen like that anymore. Well better go, got to get ready for the picnic. Take care everybody. Jenny and Mitchell we love you. Thanks

Troy

Mitchell

Mitchell says he loves Daddy as much as the sky is blue and night is dark, he misses daddy as deep as the ocean and bright as the sun. He misses snuggles, bedtime stories, hugs & kisses, he misses tickling. He remembers riding 4-wheeler with Daddy and jetskiing, he remembers that daddy liked swimming and swam well. He remembers working on stuff with daddy and how well daddy would explain how to do stuff or how it worked in detail. He knows that Daddy always read the instructions first then put things together (unlike mommy). He says that he won't miss the guitar because when he is big enough to pick that thing up he will play it just like Daddy so he won't have to miss that. He remembers the way Daddy played air-guitar on the steering wheel in the truck while driving jamming to music. He remembers Daddys music that he listened to and the ones he played. He remembers Daddy cooking for us and baking with him. Mitchell remembers Cory cutting down the christmas tree's and decorating the outside. He remembers that ChaCha is daddy's dog. Mitchell says he would rather talk to Daddy's flowers than the cemetary. He still is trying to be strong and doesn't like to see me cry but I tell him it is ok to cry and ok to miss Daddy. I try not to cry in front of him because he tends to clam up a little but when looking at pictures and talking about daddy he is not sad but happy for the time he had. He just looks at the pictures and says that is daddy & I doing whatever so I hope he is actually doing ok but I am sure there will come a time when he will realize then be sad for what he has missed out on. Mitchell certainly admired his daddy and wanted to be like him so I am grateful I worked to enable those two to have that alone time together, Cory & Mitchell loved the days where they bummed around together. Mitchell knew all the "guys" and experienced alot of stuff going with

Daddy. Mitchell Daddy loves you and is very proud of you.